Change

I have always loved change! I have been one who has to have change in her life! I love new and exciting things! My hair color doesn't stay the same for more than a couple months, I changed groups of friends a lot throughout school, my style changes constantly, it isn't unusual for me to literally up and move across the country, this girl LOVES change! Well change is about to happen again. I am moving back to Utah ( don't know if it is permanent or just for a while) but it'll be nice! It'll be nice to be home and close to family! I will be starting a new career within the next 6 months ( another post on that later), I am so excited for all the changes that are about to take place and to see what will come of them. It is bittersweet to be leaving here because I have met some AMAZING people but it's exhilarating to be closing one chapter and to begin a new one, with pages blank and unwritten, the characters that are the most important will continue on into the following ones and help me write the rest of my life story. So here is to facing my life head on and enjoying the ride!

*It's kind of funny to me how much I love change when I am the world's most indecisve person! I guess it's a good quality to be laid back and go with the flow ;)

Ignorance is Bliss

It has been on my mind a lot lately how ignorance is bliss, sometimes it is nice to be naive. At times I wish I lived in a bubble where I didn't know of some of the many heartaches life has to offer.

 I wish I didn't know what death was like. My roommate and I were talking the other day and he mentioned how he has never really been to a funeral or experienced death, that is something I can't wrap my head around. Just off the top of my head I can count 35 funerals that I have been to, 35, that is so many! I think what is more shocking about that is 90% of those were for people who left this earth to early, mainly children.

I wish I didn't know what "terminally ill" looks like. Some of the most amazing children I have had the opportunity of knowing ( and being a nanny for 3of them) have been given the phrase "terminally ill", or "incompatible with life" to live with. These children have so many more gifts and so much more love to give in this life I don't know why they would ever get such negative labels. I have learned so much from these children, I have literally held angels in my arms, been the closest to Heaven I will ever be on this Earth but because of their diagnosis' that means a lot of those little ones leave this earth to soon and that is a heart break that can't be described.

I wish I didn't know what alcoholism or drug addiction looks like. It hurts so much to see someone that you love so much be at the mercy of a substance, it is a sickness that has controlled their lives and it is so hard to sit back and watch as they are in the hands of something so toxic.

I wish I didn't know what elderly/child abuse looked like. Abuse of any form is something that I will never ever understand and it is so upsetting to see someone you love so much fall victim to such a selfish act.

I wish I didn't know what disease looks like. The strongest lady I know walks around everyday with a body that is attacking itself, she has been through countless surgeries and is on so many different pain aids just to help her get around daily, a disease that is changing the strength and shape of her body, a disease that there is no cure for.

I wish I didn't know what infant and child death looks like. I have a 2 friends that had to leave the hospital empty handed because their little girls passed away way to soon and another friend who had to bury her beautiful 4 year old daughter. I will never be able to get over having someone who you care for so much deal with such a loss.

I wish I didn't know what paralysis looks like. My best friend had a body that worked perfectly and then one day woke up to being completely paralyzed. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to watch your hero work so hard to just do the simplest things that I take for granted every day.

I wish I didn't know what mental illness looks like. Whatever illness it is, it is sad. It's sad that mental illness has such a negative stigma because it is a real illness that deserves the treatment  and respect of any other illness.

While some days  I wish I didn't know what these things looked like or what it is like to know or be that someone that lives with them I will never trade the people and lessons for ANYTHING. 

My life has been impacted by all of those 35 people who's funeral I went to and I am honored to have known them, I will go to a million more funerals if it means I get to meet such incredible people!

 I am so incredibly lucky that I have gotten to meet so many of God's Angels! That I have been able to be a nanny for 3 of them is a treasure I will always hold, the labels the doctors gave these kids were so wrong! I can't even explain the gift it is to be in the presence of these children! 

I would stand by a loved ones side time and time again as they face their addictions, I will be the rock for them to lean on and hand that wipes their tears. I will fight with them as they prove they are stronger then they think they are.

Abuse is something I will never be ok with but because I have loved ones that have fallen victim to it I hope that means I will stand up for it more, speak out when it is needed and try to make it disappear.  

My grandma is amazing and never lets her disease or her pain change her attitude and love for life! I will always look up to her and try to have the attitude and compassion that she does. She has taught me so much because of her disease and that is what I am thankful for.

Child and infant death is something I can't understand but I will never get the image of holding my friends daughter in my arms, I try to remember that each day and each person is a gift and to cherish every moment with them because none of us know when it will end.

My friend has taught me so much! She has turned her paralysis into something positive, she is so grateful for every small thing she can do, she has really discovered the beauty in life and has really learned to admire and love all the small things, something I need to do.

Mental illness is something that so many people face and I want to help get rid of the negative stigma so that it can get the help and attention that it needs.

I am so far from perfect and I know that life can be so much harder then I feel like it sometimes is and I am so grateful for every experience and person I have met and continue to meet along my journey so it just means I need to bandage my heart (instead of putting walls up to protect it) and let it stay open to people and opportunities.

I blame it on my parents and my childhood

Most people say they blame their behaviors and actions on their childhood and the way that they were brought up, well so do I but maybe not in the same way. I had a GREAT childhood! Probably the best one ever! We grew up in a fantastic neighborhood where we were surrounded by kids our ages. We had street wide water fights and snowball wars, played night games until way past dark, had the world's best trick-or-treating route, walked to Holiday, searched the "woods" for the "hobo" living there, spent summer nights sleeping on the trampoline, had the best dodge ball tournaments, spent many hours on a bike or on roller blades; you name it or think it up and we probably did it! We had the BEST neighborhood!

I was reflecting on my childhood the other day and while I had a great one I realized I probably wasn't the easiest child to raise.

•  I had one sibling I did NOT get along with, unless it was at the expense of someone else. I had another sibling that I competed for attention with on everything! We are polar opposites and different in every way possible, we fought more then we got along. Another sibling that I constantly got into mischief and trouble with, we got along great and were best friends but we kept mom and dad busy! Then I was mom to the youngest two, I protected and loved on those boys so much (probably a little too much!) But because of all my siblings I learned how to get along with people, I learned how so many different personalities is what brings beauty to the world, we all have something unique and awesome to offer!

• I had issues!  I was terrified of fires (don't ask me why, but I couldn't even listen to The Little Mermaid song where it says "what is a fire and why does it whats the word burn") I had a plan on how I would get my entire family out of the house when we had a fire and no one woke up to the alarm, I was convienced this was going to happen. I don't know where this fear came from but it involved many break downs and tears every night. I was terrified of bad guys and mom had to remind me every night that no one was going to break in my room (on the 2nd floor) and kidnap me. I cried constantly! For no reason at all I just cried ALL the time! Through this my parents taught me compassion and patience, I am sure there were times they wanted to yell at me but they always lovingly reminded me that I was ok and there was nothing to worry about because they were there, it showed me that my mom and dad are my heroes!

• I didn't "need" my mom I was a daddy's girl through and through. I always wanted to be by his side! I learned to change tires, my oil, my brakes, how to re roof a house, I loved going to his classes where I sat quietly and colored because it meant I got to be with him, I learned how to pull the best pranks and tricks on people. But mom was ALWAYS there for me! She cared for me when I was sick, she supported me in everything I did, she was my rock and strength when dad was a puddle of nerves and emotions with my "adventures", My parents taught me what unconditional love is! They never gave up on me, they gave me my roots and let me spread my wings, they taught me to reach for my dreams and never settle for anything. 

• I was a difficult teenager! I was DRAMA with a capital D! I hated a certain sibling and was determined to ruin the relationship that sibling had with my mom because my mom and I didn't have that relationship. The sibling that I competed with attention for (mentioned above) was sick a lot as a child and needed my mom, this sibling was very shy as a child where I wasn't so he/she depended on my mom a lot more then me, I was a very independent person and didn't want or need mom as much as the other sibling but I HATED how close they were! I hated their relationship, I was rude and moody and DRAMA! But during these times my parents still loved me, they tried to make a relationship with me even when I was so rude and hateful, they taught me how important it is to love those especially when they are being difficult.

So yes I blame my parents for the person that I am today! Everything positive that I am I owe to them! They taught me love, compassion, patience, selflessness, determination, the importance of following my dreams, how to be a good daughter and sister (most the time), to put others before myself, to be silly, to laugh, to stand up for myself, etc etc. My parents are amazing and gave us kids such an amazing childhood! I really am blessed and lucky to be their daughter!

Live Like A Lightning Bug

It's no secret that I am obsessed with lightning bugs! They are amazing! They are so magical and just so fantastic!! For Halloween I was none other then a lightning bug! I made a shirt that said, "Live like a lightning bug, how could you be glum if you had light shine out your bum". I had a light that blinked all night and I loved every minute of it!!

 

Fall

Living back East*ish  I have discovered a whole new love for the fall! It is absolutely breath taking BEAUTIFUL out here! The leaves change into colors I have never seen: fire orange, crimson red, neon yellow, purple, etc. The trees have so many colors mixed into just that one tree, it is amazing! I think everyone needs to see a fall back east before they die, it just makes you so grateful for the beautiful earth that we are blessed to live on! My pictures do not do it justice but I couldn't stop taking them. I LOVE FALL!!

525,600 minutes

• 525,600 minutes that's what we call a year, 1 year, one year.. So much can happen in just one year and I can honestly say that this past year has probably been the most exhausting, tiring, trying, frustrating, difficult year that I personally have ever encountered. I have never been knocked down and forced to get back up as many times as I have in the past 12 months. I can honestly say I don't think I have cried as much in my life as I have this past year, had as many melt downs, felt like my heart had been shattered, been discouraged and just felt completely broken. 

•  525,600 minutes that's what we call a year, 1 year, one year.. So much can happen in just one year and I can honestly say that I have grown and changed so much in this past 12 months. Changed for what I believe is the better. I have had to stand up for myself and keep pushing when so many others didn't believe in me but in doing this I learned I CAN, I CAN DO WHATEVER I BELIEVE I CAN! I can do whatever I put my mind to and the only person I need standing behind me is myself, I CAN move mountains!

•  In this past year I have had to sit back and watch as two different friends each lost their beautiful daughters, it's so heartbreaking to have to watch another loved one (or two) say goodbye to their child way to soon. That brought up so many emotions and rocked me pretty hard, I know these losses aren't as significant to me as they are to their families but when I can count on more then 2 hands the number of people I have had to watch bury their kids it really starts to effects you.. However from this heartache I was reminded once again how important family is and how important MY family is to me! I cherish every minute of them when I see them, I know life can change so drastically and that NONE of us are guaranteed another moment. This past year my eyes have been opened to the everyday small miracles in life and I try to cherish every moment, I am still not perfect but I try my best and that is all I can do. 

• In the past year I have learned who my REAL friends are, I have learned a self discipline that I never have had before, I have found confidence and love for myself, I have learned patience in a whole new way, I have learned (still learning) what forgiveness really is, I have grown so much spiritually, I have grown in ways that I don't think can be explained.

•  525,600 minutes that's what we call a year, 1 year, one year.. So much can happen in just one year and by getting knocked down so hard so many times has caused me to stand up a little taller each time and over the past year I have GROWN so much.. I don't know if I can fully say that I am grateful for all of the challenges of the past year but I am amazed and the outcome of this year, I am amazed at myself and how I can do this, so here is to looking at every challenge as a growing opportunity ( after I cry, throw a fit, curse, do whatever needs to be done)I will stand up and say, "You can't get me, you may knock me down but I will always stand up a little taller and stronger."

She Amazes Me

This little girl; all kids with T-18 for that matter; simply amazes me with their strength, determination, will power and spirit. They bring so much love into my life and make me more grateful for all that I have and can do. She truly amazes me and I love her so much!! The other day during therapy we brought M outside to do her PT she walked up and down the drive way so well and it is a bit of a hill

She was in the mood to stand so she stood in the kitchen and helped me get lunch ready

She loves to walk and so we came up with a way for her to have more freedom, use more of her muscle and save our backs from bending over.. You guessed it a panty hose and a maxi pad, who would have thought the things women hate the most could have so many possibilities and who needs expensive equipment this is stuff you have at home!